Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet