What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
You Might Also Like
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!