Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore