[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.