[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.