has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Miscakes
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway