Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
You Might Also Like
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
even bears disappoint their mothers
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
HELP 😭
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying