My god she’s good.
You Might Also Like
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
j o i m p
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.