I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The booster protects against what, now?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?