Said the murderer.
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Bro what is this
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.