Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
2022 be like
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING