I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.