Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.