“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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I had to Stop for this
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”