Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice