If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
SF is the wild wild west man
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
This hospital has everything
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN