Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
You Might Also Like
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
this post was so formative to me
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Namaste
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
step 6: release the wall snake
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]