“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔