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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Cat is stressing him out.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics