The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I don’t know what to do
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
that colleague who touches your screen
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”