DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Pikachu found the lost joint
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’