All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
three things we don’t talk about
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said