[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Time for evil
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas