Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.