Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
😲 WTF? 😆
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]