Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Uh oh…
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
True?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?