Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling