Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A new level of troll.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations