Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
rise and shine we got egg
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
do horses think humans are hats
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?