Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill