I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
You Might Also Like
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
😆this is so true
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.