I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
no one ever comes back
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.