Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.