the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.