me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’ve been drinking.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.