The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS