WHY?!
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
the simulation is moving too fast
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.