How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
what my late-night hot pocket sees
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am