Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Whoa 😂
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing