To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description