8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank