I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Meanwhile in Canada…
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.