WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango