I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Thank you corporation very cool
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.