My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby