Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”