A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
This was a bad idea all around
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
That 👊
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE