Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Have kids, they said
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Monday
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?