I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
crazy
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.