Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
You Might Also Like
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that